Food & Drink | JOE's Five tips for the perfect BBQ

Organising and pulling off a successful BBQ is a feat no man will admit is fraught with apprehension, tension and a feeling that you?re essentially facing a test of your manhood. Thankfully, and with a subtle little nod to that perfect summer drink Bulmer's, we have tips.

After all, is there anything manlier than slaving over grilled meat, allowing others to admire your hunter-gatherer spirit (burgers ?hunted? at the supermarket, a crowd of friends gathered to watch you cook them) while you provide them with sustenance in an appropriately masculine monochrome apron?

Granted, you could invite them over to watch you wrestle a bear for extra manly points but the likelihood of your survival would drop drastically by comparison, so let?s stick with the simple BBQ instead. And yes, it will be simple if you follow our five pointers that are designed for relative novices:

Buy far too much food

We can?t stress this enough. If your burger flipping and meat-into-bun-stuffing is going well, you?ll want to shove paper plates in front of all and sundry. What?s more, considering that you?re all chomping away, the inviting aroma of your BBQ might attract hungry, moocher neighbours.

Turning them away with empty bellies won?t impress any of your guests and since BBQ etiquette tends to sway towards remarkable feats of generosity, you?ll want to ensure that you?ve got enough meat, buns and inoffensive Jack Johnson tunes to keep everyone happy.

Don?t poison everyone

This is important. You?ll want your guests to go home raving about your cooking skills, not to sit on or stare into a toilet once they get there instead. To that end, you'll want to avoid undercooked meat and the risk of spreading germs from raw meat onto food that's ready to be eaten.

Make sure your meat is properly thawed before cooking, turn it regularly and ensure that the coals are glowing red before you begin. If there's no visible pink meat and it?s piping hot in the centre, it's ready for plate-action.

Keep the food flowing

Hosting a BBQ means that not only are you likely to be the chef and DJ, you're the master of ceremonies too. Try to master crowd control when you briefly have your back turned to the meat and make sure that you're not keeping your guests waiting too long for their next feed.

Sure, you're bound to get distracted by women fawning at your BBQ prowess and unchained masculinity, but there will be plenty of time for all that later on.

Try to keep your house from burning down

The most emasculating experience for any man behind a BBQ is if the fire brigade has to be called at any point. Though they?ll quite helpfully ensure that no people or surrounding buildings go on fire if your night goes down the tubes, their mere existence means that far manlier people have entered the fray at your expense.

To ensure no do-gooder firemen ruin your party, position your grill about 2 feet away from any awnings, deck railings or tree branches, ensure your grill equipment is in good nick and if it's an open grill, keep an eye on it at all times. If worse comes to worse, you might want to keep a fire extinguisher nearby just in case.

Make sure everyone knows how great you are

Look at you, creating red-hot delicious food for everyone, barely stopping to savour your delicacies as you slavishly tend to your guest?s needs. With this much goodwill - not to mention the rapturous response to your MP3 playlist that features Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince?s ?Summertime? - you?ll want to milk the adulation and admiration as much as possible.

Be sure to grunt manly sounds of exertion, loudly call for extra meat within earshot of everyone, wipe your meat-stained brow every minute or so and when the job is done, you will have established your alpha-male status without so much as poking an angry bear with a stick.

You?ve now earned your reward ? a bottle of Bulmer's to celebrate and the satisfaction that your gracious guests will be on-hand to offer you the next one once you?re finished.

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